For An Alternative Rush

Today there was a grand opening to the newest Wally World in the area so I figured what the hell and went to see what of course was yet another same old Wal-Mart. Of course since it was the first day there were people giving out free shit like ice cream, energy drink, and even beef jerky.That is freaking awesome man,free beef jerky is like getting a free blowjob on a hookers first day on the job.It’s really a cool thing to walk up and be able to eat beef jerky in the store without being called a thief.

Back to my story,there was a couple stands set up outside,but what I saw next to them almost made me want to go into Wal-Mart,buy a sledge hammer, and come out swinging it like a mad man. I saw a Diet Pepsi truck, but not just any old Diet Pepsi truck. This was a Jet Black truck with fucking spinners on it. Yes,fucking spinners on the pepsi truck. Not only that,but the truck had two huge sets of speakers on each side of it. They were all blasting shitty music through the whole parking lot. It was a really shitty moment for me.

This terrible moment in the parking lot leads people to believe they will be “Hip” and “Cool” by drinking Diet Pepsi. Hell P Diddy did the ad so it must be cool right? Let me level with you, P. Diddy drinks loads of alcohol and bangs hos all day, the only reason he did an ad for Diet Pepsi is because they paid the mother fucker enough. Not only that,but Diet Pepsi tastes like regular Pepsi, minus all of the flavor it has.

People will never get it,there’s no such thing as a diet cola that tastes just like the other stuff. If you want the good shit you’re just going to have to drink it and risk being a fat bitch the rest of your life. That and risk losing your teeth. So lets just face it,Diet Pepsi is not cool,it’s not good,and it damn sure won’t get you any action if a girl drinks too much of it.Is there any reason to even buy this shit?

About the Author

The Epic is owner and founder of a personal site called The Epic Zone at theepiczone.com

“Pee-ew! You smell like a skunk soaking in sardine nectar for a week.”

OK, so I can be a little candid every now and then. It’s not something I would say to Attila the Hun during a pre-battle pep rally. But it was not Attila the Hun standing in front of me. It was just my buddy Bart.

“Pee-ew! You have bad breath.”

So when the phone rang that night, the last person I expected to greet me in a cheery voice was Bad Breath Bart. “Hey, Happy Guy. I’m feeling great,” he said. “Want to guess why?”

“You just won the gold medal for the ten-meter turkey toss?”

“Nope,” he replied. “But thanks for the tip. I’ll start training for it tomorrow.”

“OK, I give up. Why do you feel so great?”

“Because I discovered an easy way to stop bad breath,” he declared. “Want to guess how?”

“You bought a book on stopping bad breath and you are following the instructions?”

“Sa-ay, that’s a good idea,” Bad Breath Bart said. “But that’s not it. My plan is even simpler. I covered up my bad breath.”

“Bart, that won’t work. Since Julius Caesar first invaded Paris and declared ‘Veni Vidi Vino’, people have been trying to cover up their breath. But mint just is not strong enough.”

“Bingo!” he shouted. “Mint is too weak, so I found something stronger. Want to guess what?”

“You’ve been rinsing with five-week-old milk?”

“Nope.”

“You’ve discovered that cologne is best taken internally?”

“Nope.”

“You downed a bottle of vanilla extract, mistaking it for beer?”

“Nope.”

This guessing game was giving me headaches and foot cramps. “I give up, Bart. What’s your secret to stopping bad breath?”

“Garlic,” he declared.

“Garlic?”

“Garlic. Now nobody can smell my bad breath, because all they smell is garlic,” he beamed.

“Garlic?”

“Of course, there are some side effects,” Bad Breath Bart noted. “For instance, my pet vampire has run away. And this afternoon I blew a kiss to my wife, and she slammed the door on my face.”

“Can I offer an alternative, Bart? Something that won’t put your nose in a cast every time you get the irresistible urge to blow at your wife?”

“Sure.”

“Try using some mouthwash with cetylpyridinium chloride in it. That always works for me.”

“Wow. That’s a mouthful,” Bad Breath Bart exclaimed.

I was glad to have finally given Bad Breath Bart a mouthful that would actually help him cure his problem. I did not anticipate the call I would receive the very next evening.

“Hey, Happy Guy. Thanks for the tip,” Bad Breath Bart said. “That cetlip… cettap… centapyr… That unpronounceable mouthwash ingredient is superb.”

“Excellent!” I was thrilled that he had taken my advice and that it was working so well.

“Yeah. It really tastes great,” he continued.

“Tastes great?”

“You bet. And so filling, too.”

Suddenly I felt an ominous sensation closing in. “What do you mean by ‘filling’?”

“After taking that cetilp… cettep… certip… that unpronounceable concoction, I don’t feel hungry anymore,” he explained.

“Bart, what did you put in that concoction?”

“Oh, the usual - ten scoops of ice cream, a cup or two of milk, a bag of chocolate chips, half a banana, some corn flakes, a wombat’s ear and the juice out of the maraschino cherry jar,” he responded.

“But that won’t stop your bad breath.”

“Oops. I also added that cetip… cetpe… certilp… that unpronounceable ingredient,” he added. “It sure tasted good.”

Just then, my wife entered the room. “Honey, I just made you one of your favorite banana-strawberry milkshakes,” she said with a smile.

I looked at the glass she placed in my hand. I looked at it from the top. I looked at it from the bottom. I looked all around it.

“What are you looking for,” she asked.

I knew she would not believe me. “Chocolate chips and corn flakes.”

David Leonhardt is a freelance writer in eastern Ontario. Read a longer version about stopping Bad Breath Bart or get healthy with some of his (David’s, not Bart’s) all-natural liquid vitamin supplements.

When I was born, I nearly died!

The vet said that I was too thick for the average pelvis, whatever that is.

My schoolteacher (bless her), always said that if I had two brains, I’d be twice as thick.
Not half as smart!

Anyway, I think of it as a compliment.

Granted, my head is a bit on the big side and the thickness of my skull is about an inch, but it never had an adverse effect on my ability to study the social habits of puppies and indigenous hedgehogs.

My hands are also a little on the large side. This did affect my dreams to become a pianist, a neurosurgeon, and a transvestite, but little else. I may well achieve all three dreams, as dreams are make believe and can be pharmacologically induced, what ever that is as well.

My feet are kinda clumsy as well but that is likely to be due to the fact that my small toes are larger than my “big” ones. I must wear my left shoe on my right foot, but that comes easy to me. And always did!

I do admit some confusion though, when it comes to the second shoe and foot.
What harm. No big deal.

Ok, I do have a funny shaped arse, but so do many people and I even have a pup with a puzzling posterior.

Dates can be difficult, and prunes can be pleasant.

My knob has a twist on it, but a twist is better than a turn.

My nose does give me problems all right, but if I had smaller fingers, it wouldn’t. It is much the same as my backside in that respect!

Education was never a problem, in dreams or in fact. I always thought of it as a pass-time for people who were stupid to begin with.

Romance in my life is a bit limited, simply because I don’t know what it is, or where to get it.

Money! I always had money because I inherited a pig farm. I don’t run it however, and don’t see the point in getting covered in excrement and porcine snot when I can manage both, without any pigs.

I live in a trailer, and enjoy a minimalist environment, and don’t have the space anyway.

I love Indian food, Russian Vodka, cotton burkas, the absence of Art and the occasional hirsutophile, with or without “jelly babies”.

Musically, I just love whistling and underarm acoustics in concert, and when possible.

My ideal partner was typically female with a classical education, no sense of smell, a tolerance for her own insomnia (which they seem to develop), and some mastery with a loofah.

I fear though, that such partners are a dying breed, and I may not meet any more of them.

However, I will settle for anyone bereft of the above qualities, except the sense of smell caveat.

If I had to live my life again, I’d do so without the curried fries of the 1980’s and with better ear maintenance during the 1960’s. The rest, was perfect!

Thick Mick is an “expert” columnist with http://www.TheTrivialTimes.com

Please forgive his dementia as someone who had to be the first to suffer a nut allergy.

I call it the Pattaya Beach ‘Dawn Freak Show!’

If you’ve even been to Thailand, specifically Pattaya Beach, you will already know there’s an unlimited variety of sights and sounds to experience there. If you enjoy just relaxing and doing some serious ‘people watching’, then without a doubt, this is the place for you! Let me tell you now, if you can imagine it, you can find it here.

Once I was on a submarine cable laying job in Thailand. Our company was laying a sub sea [that’s underwater.. for you folks that really need the basics] fiber optics cable that was to link up most of the Southeast Asian countries with the USA and Europe. Well, it was a hell of a job cause they had me put up in a fairly nice hotel right there on the main strip in Pattaya Beach. Hell of a job and hell of an assignment. LOL. Heck.. my employer didn’t know it at the time but even if they would have cut my pay to HALF of what my current day rate was - I wouldn’t have left that job for anything.

If any of you readers out there that have had the pleasure to visit Pattaya beach you will fully understand where I’m coming from here. For those of you who have never been to Pattaya beach.. well.. all I can say is there’s no shortage of beautiful almond eyed ladies and bars there! I don’t even think it’s possible to count all the bars there.. every type imaginable that also comes with every type of lady imaginable also.

It’s just to hard for me to explain what exactly what Pattaya beach is all about but one thing is for sure - a single male can have a hell-of-a-good time there! There’s no denying that at all. If you’re an able bodied male.. and you can’t get a girl at Pattaya beach.. god have mercy on your soul. That’s about all I can say for your sorry ass. LOL

Back to my main topic now.. so.. on this sub sea cable laying job, sometimes I had to catch a boat out to the barge [which was anchored about a few miles offshore there in Pattaya bay]. On those mornings I would have to go down to the little bar on the main strip and wait for the boat to come fetch me. This bar is called the Marine Bar and it’s located right on the main strip. Yup.. the Marine Bar was named after the good-ole US Marines! cause during the Vietnam war era days they used to all go to Pattaya beach for some good ole R&R [Rest & Recreation].

I would arrive at the Marine Bar about 5:30 am and wait for my pick-up boat while watching the sun rise. I’ve always had a favorite pass time of people watching.. and let me tell you.. I had no ideal that people watching at sunrise on Pattaya Beach could bring an entire new meaning to the word! This brought me to an entirely different level! Incredible… I noticed several different types of people there and I classified them into several different crazy groups. Such as…

The All-Nighter’s (aka: Vampire Guys)

These guys are very easy to spot cause they usually are the most loud and noticeable of the groups. These guys are the one’s who have been up partying all night long and are still going strong at it… maybe it’s because of the drugs they took earlier that night.. who knows how they can do it. Oh.. they’re good at partying and they do it every night to the maximum. They sleep only around 10 or 11am and then wake up again around 6 or 7pm to do it all over again!

Most of these guys are here in Pattaya on a short vacation and they’re here for one reason and one reason only - to PARTY.. and I mean, PARTY HARD! They’ve been working all year for this short 2 week vacation and they fully intend on packing in at least a years worth of missed partying during their stay here. They only go back to their hotel and pass out when their body is begging for mercy and to get their batteries recharged for a few hours. As soon as they wake up, it’s, “What the f**k are we doing sleeping.. LET’S GO PARTY AGAIN!!”

Falang [Foreigner] Drunkards

These are the falang or farang.. [that’s ‘foreigner’ in Thai language] guys who had obviously been out drinking [to much!] and partying all night and didn’t even yet realize it’s already the next day approaching. They are already so drunk but still insisting to the bar waitress to, ‘give me another round’. By now they are so totally wasted and clueless that nothing really mattered to them anymore. The nothing that really mattered anymore includes [but is not limited to] the following; a) The Very Sexy Girl that they had earlier bar fined who was already so tired and pissed-off with this drunkard that all she wanted to do now was to go back to her bar and sleep. Sitting there watching.. I felt sorry for these girls.. what a waste! b) The bar waitress was even fed-up with these kinds of guys already. The next drink she wanted to give this drunkard should have a mickey in it so the guy would just pass out on the bar and be done with it. She’d be doing him a favor.. believe me. c) They’re so wasted that they’re about to pass-out on the bar.. at which time any Thai thief or rejected Katoey will be able to casually walk over and empty their wallets and pockets for them [well.. at least then they wouldn’t have anymore money to pay for anymore drinks so this would force them to go back to their hotel to either sleep it off or.. get more money and come back!].

Last Call For Alcohol Girls

These are the girls that nobody wanted… not even the drunkard above. These girls were totally ignored by so very many horny foreigners and they haven’t a clue why. Perhaps the fact that they’re ugly as sin may have had something to do with their rejection. I don’t know.. just thinking out loud. But hey, even ugly girls have feelings and they deserve to be loved also. Anybody ever heard the saying, “I’ve never gone to bed with an ugly woman.. but I’ve woken up with a few!?” LOL

Ok, so.. these not so pretty girls.. they’re still hopeful so still staying out there on the streets.. hoping and praying that some drunk or sucker or reject guy will grab them and bring them back to their hotel rooms and make wild passionate love to them.

Pissed-Off & Rejected Katoeys

Now here’s a group you won’t find anyplace else in the world! Only in Thailand do they have the most beautiful [and sometimes.. not so beautiful] Katoeys! For those of you who don’t know what a Katoey is, let me enlighten you. A Katoey is a Ladyboy, HeShe, SheMale, Tranvestite.. you get my drift now.

Believe it or not.. they’re in big demand in Thailand. Many foreigners [usually those old, bald, fat foreigner guys] love to play in the sack with Katoeys! That’s a known fact [so please don’t take offense if you’re reading this and you happen to fit the Katoey liking description] LOL. Nothing personal guys. Hey, just to be fair.. I’m sure there’s also some young, not-bald, slim foreigner guys who also like to roll in the sack with Katoeys [there.. you happy now?].

Now.. Katoey’s have feelings too.. and if you’re a totally rejected Katoey you’re probably a bit pissed-off come morning time. By this time of morning you can see rejection written all over their faces.. and they’re none to happy about it either so they’re still out looking.. praying.. hoping.. that they may still have a chance to find a horny little fat and bald foreigner guy to take them back to their hotel room and give them a good … um…. rear-end screwing… with some payment afterwards.. Of Course! How else are they going to make a living?? LOL

So, folks, there you have it. Now you know exactly what the Pattaya Beach Dawn Freak Show is all about so if you ever get a chance to visit the place perhaps you can even join the show if you’re still up partying at sunrise there. LOL

Enjoy!

Every now and then we run into something so peculiar we have to stop and ask ourselves “is someone pulling my leg?” “Is this really true?” This happened to me recently at a small family gathering, when a particularly odd phrase came to my attention.

My sister had just gotten married and we were sitting around the living room, getting to know her husband, Jack. He was talking about sports and sports trivia and he made a passing reference to something called “The Spider Monkey Routine.” He continued telling his story, but I was no longer listening. These four words slowly worked their way to the part of my brain that yells “wait… what the heck did he just say?”

I had to stop him as soon as it seemed a polite enough time to do so (see: right away). “‘Spider Monkey Routine?’ What’s ‘The Spider Monkey Routine?’” He stopped and turned to my direction and said “Oh, you know. The ‘Spider Monkey Routine.’” I’m not sure why he felt this was an acceptable response. It’s not like we were discussing television or breathing for crying out loud. This was “The Spider Monkey Routine!” What could that possibly mean?! Luckily my entire family was also puzzled. So Jack began to explain.

He claimed that Brian Billick, the current coach of the Baltimore Ravens football team, was once a contestant on “The Gong Show” in the late 1970s or early 1980s. He said that his talent was something called “The Spider Monkey Routine,” which has since gone on to be sort of an underground joke in the NFL. I will admit, I was still a little confused, but then Jack went on to describe the routine itself.

According to him, Billick, clad in a furry, thumb-less monkey suit began to wave his arms in the air while screaming “Waa wooo! Monkey, monkey, monkey! Waa wooo! Monkey, monkey, monkey!” This continued for what seemed like an eternity, but was only about twenty-five seconds. Needless to say, he was ‘gonged’ and left the stage in shame. Judge Jamie Farr described the scene as a train wreck you couldn’t look away from because there was an idiot dressed as a monkey screaming in front of it.

This sounded downright hilarious and frankly, too weird to be made up on the spot. But I had my doubts. So later at home, I did some research, hoping to find more information, pictures, and maybe (dare I hope) video. Thanks to a few search engines, I found out that Brian Billick was on “Match Game” in the 1970s. But that show doesn’t give it’s contestants the opportunity to dress up as “spider monkeys,” let alone scream and dance.

I then googled “Brian Billick Spider Monkey.” And to my surprise it pointed me right in the direction of Wikipedia (a free, user maintained encyclopedia). Under the Brian Billick entry there was a small bit of trivia. “A young Billick was a contestant on the game show Match Game in 1977. Billick later appeared on The Gong Show in 1980, where he performed his famous “Spider Monkey” routine.” Not only did this small sentence give my search hope, it referred to the routine as “famous!”

Unfortunately, this glimmer of hope was also as far as my search would go. To this day, I have not found anymore information about the alleged “Spider Monkey Routine.” I am hoping someone out there can help shed some more light on this subject. Is it real? Is it “famous?” Please email any information/pictures/videos you may have to l.maccorkindale@hotmail.com. Until then, waa wooo! Monkey, monkey, monkey, my friends. Waa wooo! Monkey, monkey, monkey.