For An Alternative Rush

I call it the Pattaya Beach ‘Dawn Freak Show!’

If you’ve even been to Thailand, specifically Pattaya Beach, you will already know there’s an unlimited variety of sights and sounds to experience there. If you enjoy just relaxing and doing some serious ‘people watching’, then without a doubt, this is the place for you! Let me tell you now, if you can imagine it, you can find it here.

Once I was on a submarine cable laying job in Thailand. Our company was laying a sub sea [that’s underwater.. for you folks that really need the basics] fiber optics cable that was to link up most of the Southeast Asian countries with the USA and Europe. Well, it was a hell of a job cause they had me put up in a fairly nice hotel right there on the main strip in Pattaya Beach. Hell of a job and hell of an assignment. LOL. Heck.. my employer didn’t know it at the time but even if they would have cut my pay to HALF of what my current day rate was - I wouldn’t have left that job for anything.

If any of you readers out there that have had the pleasure to visit Pattaya beach you will fully understand where I’m coming from here. For those of you who have never been to Pattaya beach.. well.. all I can say is there’s no shortage of beautiful almond eyed ladies and bars there! I don’t even think it’s possible to count all the bars there.. every type imaginable that also comes with every type of lady imaginable also.

It’s just to hard for me to explain what exactly what Pattaya beach is all about but one thing is for sure - a single male can have a hell-of-a-good time there! There’s no denying that at all. If you’re an able bodied male.. and you can’t get a girl at Pattaya beach.. god have mercy on your soul. That’s about all I can say for your sorry ass. LOL

Back to my main topic now.. so.. on this sub sea cable laying job, sometimes I had to catch a boat out to the barge [which was anchored about a few miles offshore there in Pattaya bay]. On those mornings I would have to go down to the little bar on the main strip and wait for the boat to come fetch me. This bar is called the Marine Bar and it’s located right on the main strip. Yup.. the Marine Bar was named after the good-ole US Marines! cause during the Vietnam war era days they used to all go to Pattaya beach for some good ole R&R [Rest & Recreation].

I would arrive at the Marine Bar about 5:30 am and wait for my pick-up boat while watching the sun rise. I’ve always had a favorite pass time of people watching.. and let me tell you.. I had no ideal that people watching at sunrise on Pattaya Beach could bring an entire new meaning to the word! This brought me to an entirely different level! Incredible… I noticed several different types of people there and I classified them into several different crazy groups. Such as…

The All-Nighter’s (aka: Vampire Guys)

These guys are very easy to spot cause they usually are the most loud and noticeable of the groups. These guys are the one’s who have been up partying all night long and are still going strong at it… maybe it’s because of the drugs they took earlier that night.. who knows how they can do it. Oh.. they’re good at partying and they do it every night to the maximum. They sleep only around 10 or 11am and then wake up again around 6 or 7pm to do it all over again!

Most of these guys are here in Pattaya on a short vacation and they’re here for one reason and one reason only - to PARTY.. and I mean, PARTY HARD! They’ve been working all year for this short 2 week vacation and they fully intend on packing in at least a years worth of missed partying during their stay here. They only go back to their hotel and pass out when their body is begging for mercy and to get their batteries recharged for a few hours. As soon as they wake up, it’s, “What the f**k are we doing sleeping.. LET’S GO PARTY AGAIN!!”

Falang [Foreigner] Drunkards

These are the falang or farang.. [that’s ‘foreigner’ in Thai language] guys who had obviously been out drinking [to much!] and partying all night and didn’t even yet realize it’s already the next day approaching. They are already so drunk but still insisting to the bar waitress to, ‘give me another round’. By now they are so totally wasted and clueless that nothing really mattered to them anymore. The nothing that really mattered anymore includes [but is not limited to] the following; a) The Very Sexy Girl that they had earlier bar fined who was already so tired and pissed-off with this drunkard that all she wanted to do now was to go back to her bar and sleep. Sitting there watching.. I felt sorry for these girls.. what a waste! b) The bar waitress was even fed-up with these kinds of guys already. The next drink she wanted to give this drunkard should have a mickey in it so the guy would just pass out on the bar and be done with it. She’d be doing him a favor.. believe me. c) They’re so wasted that they’re about to pass-out on the bar.. at which time any Thai thief or rejected Katoey will be able to casually walk over and empty their wallets and pockets for them [well.. at least then they wouldn’t have anymore money to pay for anymore drinks so this would force them to go back to their hotel to either sleep it off or.. get more money and come back!].

Last Call For Alcohol Girls

These are the girls that nobody wanted… not even the drunkard above. These girls were totally ignored by so very many horny foreigners and they haven’t a clue why. Perhaps the fact that they’re ugly as sin may have had something to do with their rejection. I don’t know.. just thinking out loud. But hey, even ugly girls have feelings and they deserve to be loved also. Anybody ever heard the saying, “I’ve never gone to bed with an ugly woman.. but I’ve woken up with a few!?” LOL

Ok, so.. these not so pretty girls.. they’re still hopeful so still staying out there on the streets.. hoping and praying that some drunk or sucker or reject guy will grab them and bring them back to their hotel rooms and make wild passionate love to them.

Pissed-Off & Rejected Katoeys

Now here’s a group you won’t find anyplace else in the world! Only in Thailand do they have the most beautiful [and sometimes.. not so beautiful] Katoeys! For those of you who don’t know what a Katoey is, let me enlighten you. A Katoey is a Ladyboy, HeShe, SheMale, Tranvestite.. you get my drift now.

Believe it or not.. they’re in big demand in Thailand. Many foreigners [usually those old, bald, fat foreigner guys] love to play in the sack with Katoeys! That’s a known fact [so please don’t take offense if you’re reading this and you happen to fit the Katoey liking description] LOL. Nothing personal guys. Hey, just to be fair.. I’m sure there’s also some young, not-bald, slim foreigner guys who also like to roll in the sack with Katoeys [there.. you happy now?].

Now.. Katoey’s have feelings too.. and if you’re a totally rejected Katoey you’re probably a bit pissed-off come morning time. By this time of morning you can see rejection written all over their faces.. and they’re none to happy about it either so they’re still out looking.. praying.. hoping.. that they may still have a chance to find a horny little fat and bald foreigner guy to take them back to their hotel room and give them a good … um…. rear-end screwing… with some payment afterwards.. Of Course! How else are they going to make a living?? LOL

So, folks, there you have it. Now you know exactly what the Pattaya Beach Dawn Freak Show is all about so if you ever get a chance to visit the place perhaps you can even join the show if you’re still up partying at sunrise there. LOL

Enjoy!

Every now and then we run into something so peculiar we have to stop and ask ourselves “is someone pulling my leg?” “Is this really true?” This happened to me recently at a small family gathering, when a particularly odd phrase came to my attention.

My sister had just gotten married and we were sitting around the living room, getting to know her husband, Jack. He was talking about sports and sports trivia and he made a passing reference to something called “The Spider Monkey Routine.” He continued telling his story, but I was no longer listening. These four words slowly worked their way to the part of my brain that yells “wait… what the heck did he just say?”

I had to stop him as soon as it seemed a polite enough time to do so (see: right away). “‘Spider Monkey Routine?’ What’s ‘The Spider Monkey Routine?’” He stopped and turned to my direction and said “Oh, you know. The ‘Spider Monkey Routine.’” I’m not sure why he felt this was an acceptable response. It’s not like we were discussing television or breathing for crying out loud. This was “The Spider Monkey Routine!” What could that possibly mean?! Luckily my entire family was also puzzled. So Jack began to explain.

He claimed that Brian Billick, the current coach of the Baltimore Ravens football team, was once a contestant on “The Gong Show” in the late 1970s or early 1980s. He said that his talent was something called “The Spider Monkey Routine,” which has since gone on to be sort of an underground joke in the NFL. I will admit, I was still a little confused, but then Jack went on to describe the routine itself.

According to him, Billick, clad in a furry, thumb-less monkey suit began to wave his arms in the air while screaming “Waa wooo! Monkey, monkey, monkey! Waa wooo! Monkey, monkey, monkey!” This continued for what seemed like an eternity, but was only about twenty-five seconds. Needless to say, he was ‘gonged’ and left the stage in shame. Judge Jamie Farr described the scene as a train wreck you couldn’t look away from because there was an idiot dressed as a monkey screaming in front of it.

This sounded downright hilarious and frankly, too weird to be made up on the spot. But I had my doubts. So later at home, I did some research, hoping to find more information, pictures, and maybe (dare I hope) video. Thanks to a few search engines, I found out that Brian Billick was on “Match Game” in the 1970s. But that show doesn’t give it’s contestants the opportunity to dress up as “spider monkeys,” let alone scream and dance.

I then googled “Brian Billick Spider Monkey.” And to my surprise it pointed me right in the direction of Wikipedia (a free, user maintained encyclopedia). Under the Brian Billick entry there was a small bit of trivia. “A young Billick was a contestant on the game show Match Game in 1977. Billick later appeared on The Gong Show in 1980, where he performed his famous “Spider Monkey” routine.” Not only did this small sentence give my search hope, it referred to the routine as “famous!”

Unfortunately, this glimmer of hope was also as far as my search would go. To this day, I have not found anymore information about the alleged “Spider Monkey Routine.” I am hoping someone out there can help shed some more light on this subject. Is it real? Is it “famous?” Please email any information/pictures/videos you may have to l.maccorkindale@hotmail.com. Until then, waa wooo! Monkey, monkey, monkey, my friends. Waa wooo! Monkey, monkey, monkey.